To Whom hAre hYou Speaking?
by Grey L. Bloom
Summary: (Updated again, finally! (Finished)) Say hello again to the Blue Cat Ladies, as they journey across the Discworld for Louisa's cousin's wedding... but does he know that they're coming? PG because of the Ladies of Negotiable Gender.
1. Sometimes The Cabin Boy

A/N: I loved You're Under Arrest. I was sad to see it go. Also, I was very very sad to see the Blue Cat Ladies go. So they're back. Whee.  
  
  
Chapter 1 - Sometimes the Cabin Boy  
  
  
Welcome to the Discworld.  
  
Okay, just how many times have you read that sentence? Don't lie to me; I KNOW. I've READ the books, the fanfiction, and visited the websites. You've read that sentence so many times the syllables have been beaten into your brain with perhaps not a large hammer but definitely a heavy and very PERSISTENT one.  
  
Now, say it with me... Welcome to the Discworld... GOOOOOOD!  
  
The sun sets slowly here because of the strong magical field, but you know that already. You KNOW that the light of the Discworld sunrise bulges around mountains and trees something but not quite like molten gold, for obvious reasons. You KNOW that it pools in valleys like celestial rainwater only not quite so, well, LIQUID. You KNOW that it dawdles and loiters and stands around vaguely until it most likely ends up in Ankh-Morpork, Pearl Of Cities. You KNOW.  
  
You know all of this already. Why are you reading it all again?  
  
  
  
Welcome to Klatch.  
  
That sentence is rarer. Much rarer than, say, "Welcome to Ankh-Morpork, Pearl Of Cities." Klatch, on the other hand...  
  
Well, the Djel, really. ON the Djel. Er. On a boat on the Djel in Klatch on the Discworld on the Four Elephants on A'Tuin, who swims through space like the airless void is just a very large bath tub full of perhaps jello.  
  
Back to the Djel...  
  
I think that we've surmised that there is a boat. A sailor would stare at you indignantly and tell you to call it a ship, but since I am not a sailor I'm going to call it a boat and be smug at all you sailors who AREN'T writing this story.  
  
Fine, it's a ship.  
  
So this boat... sorry, SHIP... is not a pirate bo- ship. It doesn't have the black flag with the skull and cross bones or any peg-legged men hobbling around with a parrot in their teeth and a sword on their shoulder growling "Avast, me timbers! Shiver my mateys!"  
  
Look, I TOLD you I'm not a sailor.   
  
It's a cruise ship. With three decks and chaise lounges and peppermint striped canopies sheltering romantic-looking young women with pale skin and big lips. It's on a ship like this that Humphrey Bogart would be proud to quote himself over a whiskey sour. It's on a ship like this that people could fall madly in love and then have a movie made out of it. It's on a ship like this that you would expect NOT to find what is actually here...  
  
  
  
"To Whom hAre hYou Speaking?" Louisa trilled at the cabin boy.  
  
The cabin boy, whose name was Tokidoki, trembled under her burning gaze.  
  
"Be nice to the poor boy," Theodora giggled, winking at Tokidoki and flipping her fan coquettishly. "He's auriental, he might not understand Morporkian."  
  
Louisa glared down at the terrified young man and pondered this. "TO... WHOM... hARE... hYOU... SPEAK-ING?" she said, loudly and slowly.  
  
"This isn't your room," Tokidoki squeaked.  
  
"Of course it is," Roberta wailed, wringing her handkerchief. "Look, room 104, right there on the door!"  
  
"Room C104," Tokidoki replied, tapping on the gold lettering. "Your room is A104."  
  
Louisa glared at the door as though expecting the paint to peel off of it. She appeared to think very fast. "Then hwhy," she said finally, "did hyou lead hus to THIS door?!"  
  
"I didn't," Tokidoki said helplessly. "I was-"  
  
"Come, hLadies," Louisa sniffed. "hWe can find hour OWN room hwithout the help of the help."  
  
The pink-chiffon-clad Lady latched her arms around the elbows of Theodora and Wilhelmina and spun around, marching off down the corridor with Roberta nervously trailing behind. Tokidoki shivered and turned away, but not fast enough to miss Wilhelmina turning her head to grin widely at him, cat-like, and then stick out her tongue.  
  
Tokidoki wondered dazedly if he still had his father's ceremonial suicide knives. 


	2. Please Enjoy Your Stay

A/N: I have to admit that I'm considering giving these four their own world and writing a nov- er, Book of Negotiable Affection about them. If and when it would be published, I haven't the faintest idea who would buy it, but I would just love to write a whole BOOK about the ladies, just to get it in the mail with the knowledge that I've written a book. I absolutely love them to bits.  
  
  
Chapter 2 - Please Enjoy Your Stay  
  
  
"So this is a cruise ship," Theodora purred, stroking the back of a richly upholstered chair with her fan.  
  
"Yeah," said Wilhelmina, from her position inside the drink cabinet. "We've been here for a whole hour, and already it feels like home."  
  
"Ohhh, not for me," Roberta tittered, perched precariously on the edge of a wooden chair. "I do feel so very uncomfortable."  
  
"Look! They've got scumble! 'Each bottle aged a whole 14 minutes' it says! That was a good hour, lemme' tell you."  
  
Louisa sighed in a long suffering way, collapsing into an overstuffed armchair. "Theodora, DO stop purring over heverything," she scolded, "and don't be so hworried, Roberta. hWe're perfectly safe. BLAST IT, hWILHELMINA SKURT, hIF AI SEE hYOU hWITH hYOUR HEAD STUCK IN THAT DRRRINKS CABINET hONE hMORE hTIME..."  
  
Wilhelmina backed out hurriedly.  
  
Louisa smiled. "hThat's better," she said. "Now take hyour hestrogen."  
  
"Yes, Louisa."  
  
"All of hyou should, actually."  
  
"Yes, Louisa."  
  
"So should Ai, come to think of hit. That houtburst hwas hrather hmasculine of hme."  
  
  
  
It had been last week. They remembered it well. Louisa had come marching into the Get A Room Room, one hand held high over her head...  
  
"hLook!" Louisa cried happily, nearly tripping over her stiletto heels. "Ay hletter from hmai hmother!"  
  
"I'm so glad you two are back on speaking terms," Roberta giggled weakly, adjusting the yellow skirt that did such a fine job of making her look decadently sickly.  
  
"Oh hyes, hisn't it hwonderful?" Louisa gushed. The Ladies all giggled and huddled closer around Louisa as she opened the letter. She tore out the folded piece of paper with a flourish, snapping it open in one smooth movement.  
  
"'hMy dear hLouis'," Louisa read, and glared at the letter. "That's hme," she added. "'hAi am glad to hear hyou are hwell. hAi am hwell halso. hAi thought hyou hwould like to know that hyour cousin hWilfred is getting hmarried!'" She giggled. "hNever thought he had it hin him," she whispered to the Ladies. "'The hmarriage is planned for this Grune 7th. Hope to see hyou there, hmuch love, hMummy.'"  
  
"How wonderful!" Roberta squeaked.  
  
"hWe shall attend!" Louisa cried.  
  
There was a horrified silence.  
  
  
  
**Back to the Present...**  
  
  
"hWhere's the bloody dining hroom?!" Louisa grumbled, marching down the corridors with the three Ladies in tow.   
  
"It's called a mess hall," Roberta ventured, dabbing at her damp forehead with a blue-embroidered silk handkerchief.  
  
"Mess hell, more like," Wilhelmina muttered darkly, still sulking from the estrogen incident. "I've been in one before."  
  
"Sounds like... fun," Theodora giggled, fanning herself languidly. ("I think I feel warm," said Roberta. "Do I feel warm to you? Maybe I have a fever... oh dear...") "I wonder if there are any well-brought up young men there?"  
  
"You mean rich?" Wilhelmina asked. Theodora wiggled her eyebrows. "I wouldn't be surprised; this is a classy joint."  
  
"SOPHISTICATED, hWilhemina," Louisa sniffed. "Please, use proper vocahbulary."  
  
"Yeah, right, sure. SOPHISICATED joint."  
  
Louisa glowered at Wilhelmina, who gave the taller Lady a cheshire cat grin.  
  
"So how is your cousin, Louisa?" Roberta quavered, trying to change the subject. "Do you know his fiancee?"  
  
"hMai cousin is hin perfect health, Roberta," Louisa replied, adjusting her bustle. "And Ai have hnever had the chance to hmeet his fiancAY."  
  
"Is she cute?"  
  
"Shut hup, hWilhelmina."  
  
"Yes, Louisa."  
  
"And help hme find the bloody mess hell."  
  
"Hall, Louisa."  
  
"hWhatever." 


	3. Kung Food: Enter The Lobster

A/N: And Tokidoki the unfortunate cabin boy appears again. Maybe he'll have better luck this time...  
  
  
Chapter 3 - Kung Food: Enter The Lobster  
  
  
"That hwas interesting," Louisa said vaguely.  
  
Roberta swayed back and forth, supported by Theodora and Wilhelmina, one on each side. Her face was slightly green.  
  
"Amazing how the claw just flew up and stuck into the ceiling," Wilhelmina commented.  
  
"You didn't have to hit the poor thing so hard," Theodora muttered, trying to drag Roberta along and fix her hair at the same time.  
  
"It wouldn't peel right," Wilhelmina grumbled sulkily.  
  
"It was a LOBSTER," Theodora said, a bit horrified.  
  
Roberta mumbled something.  
  
"hWhat hwas that?" Louisa asked.  
  
"Sounded like 'bloody Genuan cuisine' to me, Louisa," Theodora answered, daintily hiking her skirt up around her knees.  
  
  
  
The bottle skittered on the edge of the glass. Tokidoki grabbed the glass almost before he was done pouring the drink and downed it in one gulp.  
  
The drink was a highly alcoholic rice wine called, as far as anyone had managed to get out of anyone who had drunk it, "shakei". His father had been among the first to brew it, and he still had some forty year old bottles in the cupboard...  
  
He was going to need them if he was going to put up with... THEM.  
  
"Oh, my my, you do have some nice broad shoulders," Theodora purred in his ear, fanning him gently with a red and pink lace contraption.  
  
Tokidoki let out a little scream and scrambled out of her reach, conveniently grabbing the shakei bottle as he went. "N-n-n-n-n-n-naniiiiiii?" he squealed, and then somehow managed to collect himself. He collected SOMEONE, at least. "How did you get in here? It's locked! There're signs!"  
  
"I was bored," said someone's bustle, pretruding from his drinks cabinet, slyly labeled "Mops". "You have no idea where you can go with enough hairpins and a little experience."  
  
"Besides," Theodora purred, sliding languidly to the floor, "Louisa is busy with Roberta and we have nothing to do."  
  
"Roberta, meanwhile, has perfected the art of projectile vomiting," Wilhelmina said, back out of the cupboard. She held a small bottle of Shakei in one hand. She shook it experimentally and sniffed it. Her eyes lit up. "Do you have anything other than these little bitty cups?"  
  
"Umumumumum," Tokidoki said eloquently.  
  
"Never mind, I'll just drink it from the bottle," Wilhelmina said, setting to work on the cork. "Don't want to dirty one of your cute little handle-less teaparty cups."  
  
"Those are thousand year old ceremonial Shakei glasses! They're priceless heirlooms!"  
  
"Wow. Really? Blimey."  
  
Theodora stroked Tokidoki's collar bone with her fan. "I like family men," she told him.  
  
Tokidoki had a small private heart attack. 


	4. What Do You Mean, You're A Woman?

A/N: I know Tokidoki isn't a normal name for the Aurient, but it's actually a pun... "tokidoki" means "sometimes" in Japanese. Thus the first chapter "Sometimes The Cabin Boy". Whee!   
  
  
Chapter 4 - What Do You Mean, You're A Woman?  
  
  
"Fuzhyzhyzhyzhy.... Dirk," said Wilhelmina.  
  
"Fuzhy Duck," corrected Theodora, swaying back and forth.  
  
"Shutup," Wilhelmina stuttered.  
  
"Let'sh play a different game," said Tokidoki from under the table.  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"Like... a truzh or dare short of game, only..."  
  
"Ted," Wilhelmina said, "how many men have you-"  
  
"No shex questionsh!" yodeled Tokidoki, scrabbling back into his seat.  
  
Theodora pouted. "What about bananananananash?"  
  
Tokidoki appeared to think very hard. "I shupposhe..."  
  
"Okay... okay," Wilhelmina said, trying to remember what was so funny about bananas. "Uh... Ted, have you eaten more than shix bananananash in your ent,ent,ent,entire life?"  
  
Tokidoki giggled softly and slid out of his chair again.   
  
"Prolly," drawled Theodora, her head on the table.  
  
"Fuzhy duck!" cried Tokidoki.  
  
"Keeppup, willya?" Wilhelmina slurred, kicking the cabin boy's head.  
  
"Ow."  
  
"Shervesh you right."  
  
"If I'ffffffffff eaten moren' shix do I getshanuzhzher drink?" Theodora giggled, trying to grab one of the three shakei bottles floating in front of her, with dubious results.  
  
Wilhelmina tried to impede her colleague in a very complicated ten seconds. "Can't shtop you," she said finally, sulkily attempting to locate her glass.  
  
Theodora squealed and sloshed the liquid into her glass. "Sho it'sh my... my turn?" she asked through her drink.  
  
"Yesh," said Tokidoki, his voice muffled by the wood of the table.  
  
"Oh boy!" Theodora slurred, attempting to bounce for joy without the top of her head falling off. "Toki-whatshishfashe, have you ever shunk a ship?"  
  
Tokidoki pondered this. "No?" he said finally.  
  
"Haffanuzher drink!" Wilhelmina cried, leaning under the table and pouring shakei on Tokidoki's head.  
  
"What'ff I shaid yesh?" Tokidoki asked in a moment of clarity.  
  
"Haffanuzher drink!" Wilhelmina cried, dousing the cabin boy again.  
  
"Aha. I shought sho."  
  
"Your turn, Mishter Hairloom!"  
  
Tokidoki considered his next move. "Will, are you a *hic* woman?" he asked, swaying back and forth.  
  
"Yesh!" Wilhelmina cried, dumping the bottle over her head. "Haffanuzher drink! Ahahahahahaha!"  
  
Theodora and Tokidoki, in a flash of sobriety, stared at (and up at) the fourth Lady. She giggled innocently and pulled the cork out of another bottle. 


	5. Bes Pelargic No Baka

A/N: READ THIS!!! I will be gone, with no computer access, until at least the 14th of October. Don't email me or expect more chapters from me until then. Bon voyage, me! See you all in... about two weeks!  
  
  
Chapter 5 - Bes Pelargic No Baka  
  
  
"Iiiiiyaaaaaaaaaa," Roberta moaned, her voice echoing in the bucket.  
  
Louisa patted her on the back absent-mindedly. "Get hit hall hout, dear," she said.  
  
"Blergh."  
  
Someone pounded on the door. Roberta groaned.  
  
"Ai'm coming, Ai'm coming," Louisa trilled, checking her curls in the large mirror. She opened the door.  
  
"SHE'S A WOMAN?!" Theodora yelled, grasping Wilhelmina by the upper arm. Wilhelmina giggled.  
  
"hWhat are hyou carrying hon habout?" Louisa sniffed, the warm waves of dread creeping up her throat.  
  
"WE WERE-" Theodora paused, her eyes unfocused for a second. "What we were doing is unimportant. But... SHE'S A WOMAN?! A WOMAN IN THE BLUE CAT CLUB?!?"  
  
"Grey hwas female," Louisa pointed out.  
  
Theodora went a little red. "Only TECHNICALLY! Grey was as masculine as Wil... helm..." Theodora stopped, paled, and looked down.  
  
"Purple wuffle-bangers are after me," Wilhelmina sobbed, her face buried in Theodora's skirt.  
  
Theodora looked back at Louisa, her eyes wild. "CONTINUING," she squeaked, "did she think no one would NOTICE?"  
  
"hWe saved on padding, thats for sure," Louisa said dismissively, glancing nervously back into the darkened state room. Roberta was making noises again.  
  
"You mean you KNEW?!?!? How COULD you?!"  
  
"Theodore hArthur Schmittenheimer!!!" Louisa roared. "Ai found hyou beaten to hwithin an inch of hyour hlife in the strrrreets hof Quirm! Don't hyou think that hperhaps OTHERS have shared hyour misfortune?!"  
  
"You called me Theodore," Theodora whispered, aghast.  
  
"And so Ai did! Ai think Ai am hALLOWED, considering hit is hyour NAME!"   
  
"I used to know a Theodore," Wilhelmina said from the floor. "He wore chickens on his head."  
  
"hWilhelmina was denied hentrance to hall of the other clubs in hAnkh-Morpork because her build hmade her hless hATTRACTIVE-" she spat the word, "to hmen. She couldn't DO anything else! The only thing she has a head for is drink, hand hyou can't get drunk for a hliving."  
  
"More's the pity," Wilhelmina commented.  
  
"Well, I'M not sharing a room with her," Theodora sniffed. "My father always told me that women were sex-crazed wolves."  
  
"That's hmen, dear."  
  
"Not according to HIM."  
  
"And he probably hwondered hwhat he did hwrong."  
  
Theodora sighed, and stared down at Wilhelmina giggling on the floor. "I'll... I'll... I'll just pretend that nothing happened," she said finally, looking guilty.  
  
"Good hman," Louisa said, beaming.  
  
"But then of course there's the cabin boy," Theodora reflected.  
  
Louisa stared at her.  
  
  
  
"Oh," said Tokidoki. "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh."  
  
The evening had ended rather abruptly. His head hurt. He felt nauseous. His toenails ached.  
  
He sat up, and pain crashed over his temples in great throbbing waves. He let loose the only word that was suitable for a situation like this.  
  
"Oi," said Tokidoki, with feeling.  
  
The door opened. He looked up into the face of Louisa, and immediately wished for new underwear.  
  
"Good hnews," she hissed, pulling him up off the floor by his collar. "hYou've been hrecruited."  
  
"Wheeee!" Wilhelmina said. 


	6. You Make Me Feel Like An Unnatural Woman

A/N: Apologies for the lateness, got no excuse. Whee.  
  
  
  
Chapter 6 - You Make Me Feel Like An Unnatural Woman  
  
  
  
"No," said Tokidoki faintly, staring at his reflection in the mirror.  
  
"What, you don't like purple?" Wilhelmina asked from around his knees, her mouth full of pins.   
  
"Purple is fine, fine," he said, "just... aren't the feathers a bit... much?"  
  
Wilhelmina stood carefully and regarded him critically. "No, you definitely look like a World-Class Seamstress," she said finally.   
  
"Ahahahaha, yes," said Tokidoki. "But I don't really WANT to look like a World-Class Seamstress."  
  
Theodora entered and glared at the two. "More rouge," she grunted, flipping her fan angrily.  
  
"Good idea!" Wilhelmina cried, ignoring Tokidoki's protests. "Hold still, dear!"  
  
"Shnerf," Tokidoki said, his voice muffled by several acres of brocaded bosom.  
  
"Good thing Agateans keep their hair long," Roberta commented, combing Tokidoki's luxurious black tresses with a small pink comb. She had thrown up several more times and had finally felt good enough to pick up a ribbon, so she was helping Tokidoki with his uniform.  
  
The door slammed open, silhouetting Louisa in the bright morning light. "hLadies," she said, a gleam in her eye red enough to be called wicked, "the boat has hnow hlanded. Feel free to hmove about the country."  
  
  
  
"Um, hello, um, sir," Tokidoki said, patting his hair carefully. "I'm afraid I must, um, leave the crew now. Um. My services are, um, needed elsewhere."  
  
The captain of the small vessel stared at him and made a choking noise at the back of his throat.  
  
"Um," said Tokidoki.  
  
The two were suddenly enveloped in a floral stench, pink and cloud-like and strong enough to be likened to a large battering ram. Louisa swept down on them. "Tomiyo is so VERY sorry she didn't tell hyou before," she tittered. "She didn't have henough hmoney to pay her passage so she signed on as a crewmember hinstead. hIsn't that hright, dear?"  
  
"Shneerg," said Tomiyo ne Tokidoki.  
  
"She told hus haaaaaall habout hit, the poor darling," Louisa squished, holding the captain's arm to her chest. He burbled. "But hnow hwe hMUST be going." She dropped the arm like something sticky, wiped her hands delicately on a handkerchief, and waltzed off.  
  
"That's one... unique... woman," the captain said eventually. "Amazing what you confessed to her."  
  
"Oh, yes," Tomiyo said bitterly. "She could make anyone say practically anything." 


	7. Tomiyo And The Brassiere From Outer Spac...

A/N: My gosh, how long has it been? A long ol' time, I guess. I'm back, anyway, now that my life has returned at least partially to normal. Had a large amount of getting a job and college stuff to do, and then there were the voice lessons, and the play... but I'm not making excuses. Oh, no. *coughcough*  
Chapter 7 - Tomiyo And The Brassiere From Outer Space  
"Wow," Wilhelmina commented, staring at the sign. "'Welcome To Muntab.'" She walked carefully around it. "And here we have, aha, yes, 'Welcome To Muntab.'"  
  
"We normally go straight through," Toki- er, Tomiyo put in. "This is something of a one horse country."  
  
"Half a pig, Ai should think," Louisa said, her eyebrows scaling the majestic mountain of her forehead.  
  
"I hope they have a Harga's House Of Ribs," Roberta twittered. "All this nasty foreign food has given me an attack of the vapors."  
  
The group paused, and then Theodora surreptitiously pulled out her fan and waved it enthusiastically.   
  
"Well," ventured Wilhelmina after the air had cleared, "we should get off the dock and find a city."  
  
"It says 'Welcome To Muntab' on BOTH sides of the sign, and you think there'll be a CITY?" Theodora said.  
  
"Er. hMaybe."  
"Look, a little man!" Roberta squealed. "He's selling cheese!"  
  
"hNo cheese for hyou, Roberta," Louisa admonished, grabbing Roberta's arm and pulling the other Lady away.   
  
"Where did you say the wedding was?" asked Wilhelmina, manhandling a map off of a helpless tourist.  
  
"In hMuntab," Louisa said, glaring at the tourist and hefting her brick-filled handbag.  
  
"I think she sort of guessed that," Tomiyo grumbled. Ever since he/she had been forced into a corset and a purple dress, he/she had been in a mood that was slightly the worse for wear.  
  
"Calm down, Tomiyo, we should be nearly there," giggled Wilhelmina, glaring at the map.  
  
"Well, thank goodness for that. Can I get some pants? I'm beginning to feel a draft."  
  
"Excuse me, young lady, do you happen to know where a decent florist could be located?"  
  
Louisa turned around and stared at the rather distracted man in front of her. He stared at her. She stared at him.  
  
"Oh, gods, no," he moaned, turning a bit on the white side. "Louis!"  
  
"What's the date?" Wilhelmina hissed at Tomiyo.  
  
"Grune 7th, why?" Tomiyo hissed back.  
  
"Hurrah! We're on time." 


	8. Second Name Change And A Mongoose Or Two

Chapter 8 - Second Name Change And A Mongoose Or Two  
"Cousin hWilfred!" Louisa trilled, catching his arm before he could take to his heels.   
"hIt's so hLOVELY to see hyou! Who's the hlucky damsel?"  
  
"How did you know I was getting married?" Wilfred said weakly, resigned to his fate.  
  
"Oh, hMummy hwrote hme," Louisa giggled, marching forward. "Is this the hway to the cathedral?"  
  
"Garden," he mumbled.  
  
"hPardon?"  
  
"The ceremony is being held in her father's garden," he replied miserably.  
  
"hWhat a hluffly hidea! hIsn't hit, hLadies?"  
  
"Oh, yes."  
  
"Quite, quite."  
  
"Will there be champagne?"  
  
Louisa suddenly stopped in the middle of the street, swinging the still walking Wilfred of his feet. She spun around. "hYou haven't hmet my hnewest Ladies, hWilfred!" she cried.  
  
Wilfred and Tomiyo waited through the lengthy, suggestive introductions under twin clouds. "hAnd this is Tomiyo," Louisa said finally. Tomiyo lifted an arm miserably, and sent Wilfred a Man Message in Eyebrow Morse Code.  
  
"They're all very... charming," Wilfred managed, a fixed grin occupying most of his horrified face. Louisa had added that Theodora was a fine catch, if hyou catch her drift, hmm-hmm. "Er... is there something wrong with the Auriental one?"  
  
"Oh, hno, she's just hnew," Louisa tittered. "hNot hused to the hlifestyle hyet."  
  
There was an uncomfortable pause.  
  
"Ah," said Wilfred, distantly, witnessing things in his head that no man should ever be forced to see, unless of course his tastes ran that way and in that case by all means. But please, get a room.  
  
"And hyour hwife to be?"  
  
"Wilfred!"  
  
They all turned. A quite lovely, delicate young lady was picking her way toward them, a nurse trailing after her wailing things about bad luck. "Wilfred, who these women?" she asked, as she reached them. The nurse appeared to have given up, and stood behind her mistress sullenly.  
  
"A-a-a-ah! Darling!" Wilfred squeaked. "This... is... my... cousin! Yes! My, um, cousin, Louisa." Louisa curtsied.   
  
"And the others?" his fiancee asked, her almond-shaped eyes narrowing.   
  
"Louisa's, um, friends," Wilfred managed.  
  
There was a pause.  
  
"Is there something wrong with the Auriental one?" she asked.  
  
Tomiyo had been staring at her the entire time, trying to ignore the proof his eyes were laying before him. "Blast," he said. "You're Two Delicate Mongooses, aren't you?"  
  
Two Delicate Mongooses stared at her brother. "One Strong Tulip," she said after a moment, her voice strained, "what are you doing in a dress?"  
The silence was deafening.  
  
"Have some more tea."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"Is the tea spiked?"  
  
"hNO, hWilhelmina."  
  
"Pity."  
  
Pause.  
  
"So!" Two Delicate Mongooses said brightly, setting down her teacup. "How have you been, One Strong Tulip?"  
  
"When we met her she was a cabin boy under the name of Tokidoki," Wilhelmina interjected, sloshing her tea a bit.  
  
One Strong Tulip winced. "I'm a HE," he said, for the third time since coming into Muntab.  
  
"It was the only way to get him off the boat," Theodora commented. "We're sort of blackmailing each other."  
  
Pause.  
  
"Blackmailing?" Wilfred asked.  
  
"He's got some dirt on us, and we" -Wilhelmina gleefully patted her bag, which contained a dozen iconographs of Tokidoki transforming into Tomiyo- "now have some dirt on him."  
  
"Dirt," said Two Delicate Mongooses, looking at her brother with brows raised. "Father will be so glad to see you again."  
  
One Strong Tulip smiled, horrified. "Wilfred!" he squeaked. "Do you have any spare clothing?" 


	9. Here Comes The Maid Of Hon The Best Ma T...

Chapter 9 - Here Comes The Maid Of Hon- The Best Ma- The Exceptional Person  
The wedding, in the end, was a marvelous affair.  
  
No, really, it was.  
  
Okay, so there was some difficulty when Two Delicate Mongooses wanted One Strong Tulip to sit on the bride's side and the Ladies wanted him to sit on the groom's with them, but that was taken care of when the bride's father appeared and insisted that he sit with his son in the front of the bride's section. No one really wanted to argue with the father of the bride, not only because it was a special day for him but also because he was One Big Mother.  
  
Also there was some confusion when Wilfred's best man locked himself in the privy with a bad case of food poisoning and Louisa presented herself as the only acceptable substitute. She insisted on being called the Best Lady, but Wilfred managed, somehow, to convince her that Best Men normally wore pants.   
  
And quite fetching pants they were.  
"Well, that was a marvelous affair," Wilhelmina commented, upside-down.  
  
"You drank half the wine cellar," One Strong Tulip moaned, from an undisclosed location.  
  
"So you mean there's more?"  
  
"Um, no, forget I said that."  
  
"Funny how she threw the salad in the air at the end. That an Agatean custom?"  
  
"Um, that was the bouquet."  
  
"Well, it was good, anyway."  
  
Pause.  
  
"You ATE the bouquet?"  
  
"I caught it. It was MINE. I thought it was a salad, so I ate it."  
  
"You caught the bouquet?"  
  
"Everyone else was trying to."  
  
"This means you have to get married within a year."  
  
Pause.  
  
"Damn. Do the rules say who to?"  
  
"I don't think they're that specific."  
  
"Well then, get down here and kiss me, you fool."  
  
"First I'd have to get down from the rafters." 


End file.
